God Is Bigger than My Sexual Struggles

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Hi, brothers,

I’d like to share my story to you, in the hopes that you can pray for me. While most men would struggle with being tempted by masturbation and sex with women, I struggle with a different battle – a battle against homosexual desires. I’d just like to share a few things on how it happened.

I lived a pretty comfortable and sheltered life while I was young. My parents fed me and cared well for me, and I was exposed to luxuries that most families wouldn’t be able to have: trips abroad, a huge house, TV and video games to play with, and a good education. But on the downside, I was raised by a Dad who used punishments as a form of discipline — telling me to stand in the corner, being whipped by belts, etc. — and who would criticize me for the small things I would do wrong: “You’re not holding the spoon and fork well,” or “You’re not standing straight.”

Most of the time, my dad would lecture me about how to do things rather than to have small chat with me or play with me. And though I grew up to be a person who would follow the rules and obey elderly people, deep inside me I felt so unloved and ashamed of myself.

While growing up, I started hanging out with guy friends, and I was able to get by. My brother and I were enrolled in an all-boys school, and it excited me to study there. I enjoyed talking to guys about things like Pokemon and Harry Potter, and I was able to develop good friendships with them. (Although I didn’t get much into physical sports that other guys enjoyed playing, such as basketball, soccer and baseball.) However, my good times at that school didn’t last. My family went through financial hardships, and eventually my parents decided to transfer my brother and I to a lesser-known private co-ed school. And though my brother and I were able to adjust to the new school, unfortunately we failed to keep in touch with the only friends we had in the previous school, until eventually we lost contact with them altogether.

Around this time, I also started to develop a curiosity for kissing scenes between guys and girls. Feeling a great lack of affection from my dad, coupled with the loss of contact with LSGH friends, I started to turn towards watching kissing scenes as a way to look for the feeling I needed of being loved. The fact though, was that I was more focused on the guy than on the girl during these scenes. I started watching these scenes in kids’ animated movies, and I as grew up it turned into a feverish desire to watch torrid scenes of men making out/having sex with women in movies, TV series and music videos. Unfortunately, the boom of YouTube in my growing years contributed greatly to this addiction of mine.

Having encouraged this habit of watching guys having affairs with girls in the media, I started developing fantasies where I would get into affairs with men just for the sake of sexual pleasure. (By God’s grace, however, I haven’t done anything graver than watch pornographic videos until late into the morning, and until now I haven’t even tried masturbation yet.) These homosexual fantasies had created confusion in me on whether I should explore the experience of being gay, or whether I should still cling onto the masculinity that is left within me. This internal division paralyzed me, to the point that I became distant with a lot of guys that I could’ve developed meaningful friendships with, had I tried to get to know them more.

I shared this story because, although I continue to choose not to explore the homosexual life, the battle is still ongoing. Sexual hunger is so deep and hard to resist, and when left unfulfilled it causes people to do extreme things. In my case, it got to moments where I contemplated suicide by jumping from the top of an office building, and to being run over by an MRT or jeepney. The only thing that has kept me going this far, fortunately, is that I discovered that there is a God who loves me for who I am, and that He has a great future planned for me despite the things I’ve done in the past.

Please pray that God’s love for me will win over the temptations of the devil. Also, let’s continue to pray for each other, especially those who experience all types of sexual temptation, that God may use us as channels of love to bless people, rather than become the devil’s tools to harm others for selfish gain.

Photo credit: suvajit via pixabay.com

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